Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Life at its hardest...

Needless to say, the past few weeks have been the HARDEST and most DIFFICULT weeks of my life. A week or so after my positive pregnancy test, I started having some spotting and then the day after Thanksgiving, I started having some cramping. Brandon and I went to the Emergency Room where we sat for FOUR HOURS... Once they got me back and did an exam and testings they found that my hCG level was only at 96 and it should have been MUCH higher at 6 weeks and 5 days pregnant, but sometimes levels were crazy at the beginning anyways and they needed something to compare it to. A couple days before Thanksgiving, we were told that Brandon's Popaw only had a couple days left to live so dealing with all of this in the middle of that was such a hard thing for us to do. Thanksgiving Day was also Popaw's birthday this year - he turned 76! A couple days before, he became bed ridden and slept all the time. I know he could hear us, but he didn't talk back. It did feel good to know that he was resting peacefully though. We celebrated Thanksgiving at my in-laws house and then went over to Mamaw and Popaw's to celebrate his birthday by eating cake. Mamaw made the cake and I made icing to frost it and decorate it. It was the hardest cake yet - to decorate a cake while you have a gut feeling that you are having a miscarriage and also knowing that Popaw is in the other room not responding and not even going to know that I'd decorated the cake for him. The cake that he'd told me just only a few days before that "if it ain't chocolate, he don't care for it". He went downhill so quickly and it breaks my heart still. He was looking so forward to eating Mamaw's Thanksgiving dressing, but didn't get a chance to have it that one last time. On Sunday, December 28, 2010, three days after turning 76, went to be with the Lord shortly after noon. I haven't lost a grandparent or a close family member before so it was really horrible. No, he wasn't my "blood" but he is my Grandpa-In-Law.. But he was just as much as family to me as my own Grandparents are.. He was my Popaw too. He was also our sweet neighbor and we love going over there, of course. Mamaw is always making me a little fatty because she makes so many goodies. And they always were playfully bickering and so sweet - I'm truly missing it so much already it makes me break down. I can't imagine how she feels after over 55 years of marriage (and being together for MUCH MUCH longer than that) and losing her soul mate, best friend, and husband. I miss him shouting when we walk in their front door "Aww wee - there is my sweet little man!!" to Garrett, who is his only Great Grandson and then looking to me and saying "Hey baby! How you doing?" and he'd always ask me how my Momma and my Grandparents were doing. Such a thoughtful and loving Popaw. I hate this feeling - I hate losing someone.. I don't take death very well ever and him being the first family that I was close to sucks.. and I NEVER want it to happen again. Here is the Slideshow from the Funeral. As I said, dealing with all of this at the same time has been horrible. Monday morning I called my OB-GYN office and went in to have my hCG levels tested again. They should have at LEAST doubled by then since it'd been over two days since I was at the ER. At that time it was only 132 so it'd barely went up at all. The doctor told me that she's pretty certain that I'm having a miscarriage and to prepare myself for the bleeding and clotting and everything else. I glanced at my clock when she told me the news and it was at 12:24pm.. EXACTLY 24 hours after Brandon's Mom had called us the day before to tell us that Popaw had just passed away. Exact time on the dot. She told me I'd need to come in every 48 hours to have my levels tested until they were back down to normal. And I also had ultrasounds at almost every appointment too. From the first ultrasound on Monday, they didn't find the baby or the sack so that's what definitely confirmed that I was miscarrying. I went back on early Wednesday morning before Popaw's funeral - I didn't wait for them to get the results before heading back home because I wasn't missing the funeral!!! Shortly before the funeral, I got a call and the first thing the nurse said was "This is Dr. Dean's office - can you be here in an hour?" and my heart dropped because she didn't even tell me my level result or ANYTHING else - she just said that so I was freaked out and I said "No, I can't be there in an hour.. I have my Popaw's funeral" and she put me on hold and said "Can you be here tomorrow at 10am then?" and I said "Sure, but can you PLEASE tell me what is going on?? No one has called me before now and you are scaring me" and she said "Well, Dr. Dean is afraid you are having an ectopic pregnancy and we need to see you as soon as possible". Brandon was at the church eating with the family at this time so when he got home to pick Garrett and I up to go to the funeral, I told him what they had said and he said to call them back and see if we can come after the funeral was over. So I called back and they said that they'd love to see me that day rather than waiting til the next day because ectopic pregnancies can be extremely dangerous and could even rupture and kill me (Thanks for that additional scare). So they said if we could get there around 4pm or so.. they'd see me. The funeral didn't start until 2pm and the entire time, I was having the most terrible pains ever. We were definitely cutting the time close - we had to miss the burial and that still tears my heart up. I tried to get Brandon to stay because I didn't want him to miss it, but him being the loving husband that he is wasn't going to let me drive myself to the doctor. I know I had no control over the situation, but I'll probably never stop feeling guilty that we missed that. When we got to the doctor, she said the level was still slowly climbing up - it was 176. I had another ultrasound which nothing was revealed - they even checked my tubes but saw no baby at that point. I returned on Friday and it had dropped to 169 - while that was a sad thing, it was also a good sign.. A sign that my body would start miscarrying and "flush" everything out on it's own. So I prayed that over the weekend, while I had Brandon home with me, that everything would pass on it's on. I thought for sure that was happening because I was in a lot of pain all weekend and had a LOT of bleeding and clotting. Once again, I went to the doctor on Monday and this time she wanted me to wait for my results before leaving the hospital... Shockingly after just KNOWING it went down.. My level was higher than ever - 257. She rushed me into an ultrasound where this time, they found the fetus in my right tube RIGHT before the ovary - which made me even more sad because it was SO SO SO close to making it into the ovary! Dr. Dean confirmed that it was an ectopic pregnancy at that point and then they found internal bleeding. After much talking and thought - she decided that she needed to admit me into the hospital to be watched - and after MORE thinking and discussing with other doctors, she thought she needed to perform surgery that afternoon to remove the fetus from the tube and clean it out so we didn't have a higher risk of it rupturing or me bleeding out anymore. It SUCKED sitting there by myself.. all I could do was cry. I got in touch with my Momma and Brandon to let them know (they were both at work) that I was being admitted and needed surgery. Not but about 15 minutes later, my Pops called and asked where I was because he'd left work and was almost at the hospital to be with me. Once I finally finished in admitting and the nurse was taking me upstairs - Momma and Brandon had gotten off work and was there. We had all of the lovely paperwork to sign and I was gowned up and in my bed with multiple people coming in and preparing me for surgery. We had to wait until about 6pm or so before I went into surgery. Everything went well - but she did have to remove my right tube because of the damage and the bleeding. So we'll be working on one tube, but she said there is no reason we shouldn't be able to get pregnant with that one tube. Since then I've had a few people let me know that they've gotten pregnant on only one tube so it helps me reassure myself that it IS possible. One of those people is my sister-in-law! But we do have to wait at least three months before trying to get pregnant again. I have so many fears that it's going to happen again and then I'd have no tubes... but then a nurse tells me I could get fake ones put in if it came down to it! HA. I just got to have faith! A friend of mine shared this verse with me today and I love it! "Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Do not depend on your own understanding--Proverbs 3:5" I do need to tell myself that often. It's been a week and two days since surgery and I'm doing some better with the pain, but I'm of course still extremely emotional. Brandon was on-call this past weekend AND while he was at work during the week, all I could do was cry cry cry.. I was so lonely and sad and depressed, so we went and stayed at my Mom and Pops house so they could help me with Garrett - not to mention I didn't want to be alone - I have been an emotional wreck. We ended up staying at Mom's from Friday until Tuesday after Garrett's speech therapy and I only cried a couple times there.. mostly when I was laying in bed or in the shower. When I was busy with Mom and everyone, I didn't have time to cry so it was nice! I had a feeling on the way home yesterday that I'd be happy to be home and sleep in my own bed, but I just KNEW that feeling would fade quickly. Sure enough, I started missing my Mommy today and have been down a lot today... especially writing this post. I thought I'd be good by now, but boy was I wrong! I felt like I needed to post my story before I forgot things though because I just know that one day I'm gonna be looking at my little man and have a healthy baby in my arms and be so thankful... and I'll look back at this post and just remember that Popaw just wanted one of his Great Grandbabies to come to Heaven with him to play and be thankful that at least my angel baby isn't alone up there - He/She is having that wonderful Popaw to play with!!!

A special thanks to all of my AMAZING family who has helped me through this terrible time. I couldn't be more thankful for every single person. Family really is all it's about!!!! And a big thanks to everyone who has been praying for us, as well! We've needed it and still need it. I appreciate all of the kind words I've gotten from many of you - and a lot of good friends to help me through it as well!!! I could never express how thankful I am for every prayer and kind words and reassurance. Pray that 2011 is nicer to me!!! Love you all!!!

If you need anything from Scentsy before Christmas, you can order all the way up until Saturday to get it in time for Christmas! The link to my Open Party that I'll close on Saturday is:

Hope you all have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year if I don't post before then again!


Angela Ritchie said...

I am so sorry for everything that you are going through. I know we may not talk but I know how you feel. I've been through what you are going through, if you ever need someone to talk to, you can message me.

Amber said...

You are such a strong woman! I love you dearly!!